Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Farts (But Were Too Boujie to Ask)
Mar 27, 2025
If you don’t think farts are funny, we can’t be friends.
Let’s clear the air…
Farts are funny. Full stop. They’re one of the last remaining human equalizers…like death, taxes, and garlic breath. You can be a billionaire in a Brioni suit or a toddler in footie pajamas, but when a well-timed ripper echoes through a silent room? You’re toast.
And yet… we pretend. We act like farting is shameful. Like it doesn’t happen. As if our intestines are sophisticated enough to conduct silent ballets of digestion. They’re not. They’re a jazz band in a subway tunnel…and sometimes they need to solo.
So here it is. The blog no one asked for, but everyone needed.
1. The Science of the Squeak
Flatulence is the result of gas…usually nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide, methane, and oxygen…building up in your intestines. Most of it comes from swallowing air or the fermentation of undigested food by gut bacteria.
Some are loud. Some are silent. Some should come with a hazmat warning. All are part of life.
On average? You fart 14–22 times a day. You. Yes, you.
2. Cross-Cultural Cropdusting
Different cultures, different takes:
- Japan: Politeness reigns. But farts are still funny…there’s even a Japanese fart scroll from the Edo period (look it up).
- Germany: Tactically denied. Admitted only when unavoidably audible.
- United States: Still the global headquarters of fart jokes, thanks to Blazing Saddles, Dumb and Dumber, and that one time in math class you’ll never forget.
3. Farts in History
- The Roman Emperor Elagabalus allegedly held contests to see who could fart the loudest at his dinner parties.
- Benjamin Franklin wrote an entire essay titled “Fart Proudly.” (Yes, really.)
- During WWII, whoopee cushions became contraband morale boosters.
4. The Social Weaponry of Flatulence
A fart breaks tension faster than any motivational speaker ever could. It’s like the universe’s own “reset” button. Boardroom too serious? Let one slip and watch the pecking order disintegrate.
Farts strip away pretense. They say:
“I may wear Ferragamo, but I’m still a mammal.”
5. Why They’re Always Funny
- Unexpected.
- Taboo.
- Uncontrollable.
- Juvenile.
- Relatable.
We laugh because we recognize ourselves in them. That’s not immaturity. That’s connection.
Final Thought
If you can’t laugh at a fart, I don’t trust you. That means you're still trying to impress the world more than you’re trying to live in it.
And me? I’m a freedom chaser.
A windbreaker.
A man who believes that some things…like truth, love, and good coffee…should never be held back.
Neither should farts.
