You Spot It, You Got It: The Superpower of Self-Awareness

When You Feel Triggered

Have you ever found yourself unexpectedly furious over a passing comment? Or deeply hurt by a friend's actions, even when they might not have intended harm? I’ve felt this time and again…those sharp pangs of irritation, betrayal, or dismissal. At first, I thought it was about them, but the deeper I’ve dug, the more I’ve realized…. it’s entirely about me.

Our strongest emotional reactions often have little to do with the people or situations triggering them. Instead, they’re mirrors, reflecting parts of ourselves that remain unhealed, unresolved, or perhaps even unacknowledged. I’ve learned this the hard way, repeatedly being  betrayed, feeling dismissed, or judged. And through these experiences, I’ve started to uncover a pattern…and a way forward.

Here’s Why I Feel Betrayed Often

I’ve always had a soft spot for people with bumps, bruises, and scars…those who’ve survived life’s toughest battles. I find their stories compelling and their resilience inspiring. But if I’m being honest, my draw to “damaged people” may be more about me than them.

Somewhere deep down, I’ve felt that if I could help others heal, I’d prove I’m worthy of the grace I wish someone had shown my younger self. It’s an unconscious projection…maybe seeking to help others in ways I couldn’t help myself.

Choosing to Deal With Damaged People

I often say, “If someone doesn’t have some bumps and bruises, I’m skeptical.” And while this philosophy has introduced me to incredible survivors, it’s also opened the door to some painful lessons.

Take one example- giving a short term loan to someone I believed in and considered a very good friend, only to be ghosted on the re-payment for over a year. This individual…someone I knew had a financial crimes conviction well before we met and chose to trust…was charismatic, persuasive, and, unfortunately, unreliable. Despite repeated subtle attempts to reconcile, I was met with excuses, deflection, and avoidance.

Or another- a friend with severe alcohol abuse struggles who I offered support and understanding, even as their behavior became increasingly erratic. After wishing me Merry Christmas, he delivered a cutting comment designed to sting, knowing exactly where my sorest spots were. The saying “Hurt people hurt people” is a real thing

Both of these individuals had left challenging marriages, much like I had. Both had deep scars from their own personal battles, and I thought we could connect over shared struggle and re-invention. For a long time we did But eventually, I found myself burned…clipped by their actions and questioning why I seemed to keep attracting these dynamics.

The Shadow Self: Offering Grace to My Past

Through self-reflection, I’ve begun to see a pattern. When I’m drawn to people who are struggling, it’s often because I see a part of my former self in them. That younger, unhealed version of me who made lots of mistakes, felt lost, and wanted someone to believe in me….even when I was doing wrong but desperately wanted to do right. Not brave enough to face it all.

By offering grace to others, I think I’ve been subconsciously offering grace, and maybe forgiveness,  to my past self. But this has sometimes come at a cost…tolerating behavior that crosses boundaries, excusing actions that hurt, or staying loyal to relationships that don’t serve me.

The Flip Side: Reacting to Judgment

While I’ve shown grace to others, I’ve also discovered how deeply irritated I get when I feel judged, dismissed or disrespected.  Those moments of perceived rejection strike a nerve, often leading to strong emotional reactions. Through reflection, I’ve realized I might be seeing the traits I dislike in myself reflected back at me.

It’s humbling to admit, but I’ve likely dismissed, disrespected or judged others in the same way. 

I’ve been called an arrogant or condescending prick more than once. 

One thing is undeniable….I’m the common denominator in all my relationships, and my reactions…both to grace and judgment…are probably windows into my own shadow self.

Becoming the Best, Healed Version of Myself

Awareness is the first step. And while this journey has been uncomfortable at times, it’s also been transformative. Here are the steps I’m taking to grow into the best version of myself:

1. Recognize the Triggers:

• When I feel betrayed, disrespected, judged, or dismissed, I pause and ask: What is this really about? Is this about them, or is it reflecting something in me? 

2. Set Boundaries With Grace:

• Offering grace doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behavior. I’ve learned to extend compassion while maintaining boundaries that protect my well-being.

3. Own My Patterns:

• I can’t control others, but I can control how I show up. By reflecting on my own behaviors…especially where I’ve been dismissive or controlling…I’m working to break unhelpful patterns.

4. Heal My Inner Self:

• Instead of projecting my unhealed parts onto others, I’m turning inward to offer myself the grace and forgiveness I sought from the world.

5. Embrace Healthy Relationships:

• I’m learning to gravitate toward people who uplift and support me…not because they’re perfect, but because we bring out the best in each other.

6. Stay Curious and Open:

• Every interaction is an opportunity to learn, grow, and deepen my self-awareness. I approach challenges with curiosity, knowing they’re part of the journey.

Closing Thought

The superpower of self-awareness isn’t about avoiding triggers or never making mistakes. It’s about recognizing the patterns, assuming a stance of radical accountability, and committing to growth. By understanding how our relationships reflect our inner world, we can stop projecting, start healing, and create connections that truly nourish us.

I’m light years away from perfect, but I’m on the path of improvement. And for the first time, I feel like I’m moving toward a version of myself that’s whole, strong, and free.